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Hair Of The Dog (Jaguars-Texans) – Going To The Dogs

I’m trying to think of something pithy and clever to say about Sunday’s game. However, I find that my brain has put any and all memory of what happened out of reach, which is kind of a blessing and a curse. I guess I’ll say that at least the Texans didn’t lose 46-9 like another AFC South team did in their season opener. So they’ve got that going for them, which is nice.

Anyway, I’m tired, I’m cranky, and I’m about 40% sure that watching the game has given me what may or may not be a blood clot in my head, resulting in a splitting headache. I don’t know, I’m not a doctor. Let’s get to the rest of the story, shall we?

In finest HotD tradition, all swear words have been replaced with the word “kitten.”

Pre-Game Thoughts

Vega:

I was just talking to my mom to see how my family made it through the earthquake in Mexico (they’re fine)… while we sit here waiting for Irma… while I chat with you guys recovering from Harvey… only a few weeks after the eclipse.

If Savage goes out and drops 30+ on the Jags, I’m officially going on record saying the Mayans were just off by five years.

Brett:

Jose is on his way too. Don’t forget about that [kitten] just biding his time until Irma’s turn is done.

Capt Ron:

The Texans’ place kicker gets his first career start today after spending all of 2016 on injured reserve with a quadriceps injury he sustained in preseason after Houston signed him when he went undrafted. He’s originally from Hawaii, and played at UCLA.

His name is [deep breath]: John Christian Ka’iminoeauloameka’ikeokekumupa’a “Ka’imi” Fairbairn

Henceforth, I shall refer to him as “Hawaiian Scrabble” or “Five-O” to spare my fingers and keyboard.

Vega:

That, or “John”.

Diehard Chris:

In our seats 15 minutes to kickoff and the stadium is legit 40% empty.

BFD:

Alright, I’m done with watching Savage. Can we put Watson in, yet?

Matt Weston:

lol

have you waited all week for that?

I’m home and everything is put away, and am all plugged in.

Luke:

Just re-upped GamePass for the season and just in time.

I don’t know about you folks but to me, this stadium is near empty: https://twitter.com/Teddyjradio/status/906923012057976837

UT:

BWW now has a breakfast menu in case any of you were curious; including a chicken and waffles dish that tops a waffle with wings in your favorite sauce.

Speaking personally, I’m not sure how well garlic parmesan goes with maple syrup and I’m not sure I’m daring enough to try it.

Luke:

Do it for science.

First Quarter

Brett:

Texans’ defense on the field first. I’ve waited four years for this moment. We finally get the Three Amigos healthy and playing together.

Weston:

Holy hell

A touchback

I love this kicker

UT:

Fournette’s already jawing at the defense. This is gonna get irritating fast, I think.

Luke:

Nah, that was all Kevin Johnson talking [kitten] after getting trucked.

Weston:

That was some competent Bortlng with Watt coming from behind.

Brett:

Cam Robinson had good pass pro on Clowney on that snap. He’s so damn strong.

MDC:

I feel like “Competent Bortling” should be a euphemism for something.

UT (back when life was good and simple):

BESFs apparently opened their season with a failed onside kick. Lulz.

Brett:

That’s so Titans.

MDC:

Cleveland went 3 & out and got their punt blocked for a TD to open the season.

UT:

But that’s Cleveland, it’s almost expected at this point.

Savage sacked on his first pass play of the game. Ick.

MDC:

Yet he wasn’t injured. Damn.

BFD:

The offense line is absolute trash.

Bouye already coming back to haunt us.

*offensive

This computer is being an [kitten] this morning.

UT:

Based on how poorly they’re playing so far, I don’t think their position group deserves to be spelled correctly.

Weston:

It’s been interesting how JAC has been pulling to block Watt rather than double him in their run game.

Luke:

Yeah……..the verizon ad’s need to go away.

Thomas Middleditch’s whole awkward shtick can only go so far before it becomes annoying as [kitten].

Weston:

Omg they ran the ouside zone on back to back plays. Too bad the second one was to the short side of the field.

If XSF could learn how to grab when he punches to control blocks he would be an above average guard.

Luke:

XSF completely whiffed on that second level block.

UT:

That line is going to get Savage killed. Extra dead.

Capt Ron:

The people of Houston should unanimously tell J.J. Watt to take the $31 million he raised and drive it over to Duane Brown’s house at halftime.

Brett:

Nuk having a case of the dropsies today…

MDC:

3/6 for 19 yards. That’s next-level anemia right there.

UT:

The question is, could [UNPERSON] pull similar numbers in this situation?

MDC:

No.

BFD:

Glitter Kitties are controlling their offensive line. Our pass rush sucks, and we can’t stop the run. This is…surprising.

Capt Ron:

Vrabel said they would focus on stopping the run. Then again, he didn’t specify which game or season they would be doing that. THIS would be a good time. #JustSayin’

Weston:

They remade King of Queens. I can’t believe it.

I think Houston has been caught off guard by how physical Jacksonville is on both sides of the ball.

Luke:

Wait, you’re only discovering that NOW?

The ol run away from J.J Watt strat seems to be working.

UT (to Weston):

I SAID THAT LAST FREAKIN’ YEAR! The King of Queens bit not the second part.

(Texans go three and out)

Capt Ron:

Hopkins needs to spend less time on his wardrobe, and more time on the jugs machine.

UT:

I think after that last possession I tilted my head so far in confusion and horror that it might have actually fallen off.

BFD:

The Old Poodle Offense is in mid-season form. Pathetic.

Weston (to UT and Luke):

They added the wife back though!!

I am seeing literally nothing different between Savage last year in those two games and this game. It’s the same [kitten].

Diehard Chris:

I can smell the offense from section 628.

Capt Ron

That right there is a situation where Watson could have gotten a first down instead of Savage crawling for zero yards on third and long. We may actually see Watson in the second half at this point.

I also don’t think O’Brien gets the full season if the offense continues to struggle like this. #Abysmal

BFD:

That’s not offense, Diehards, that’s [kitten].

Luke:

OH NO THEY MADE A BIG BANG THEORY SPIN OFF?

Ryan:

If the Texans QB is going to have to run for his life with this line, could we at least get the guy that run back there?

Weston:

This OL is going to have issues against DL like JAC, but Savage does absolutely nothing to help them.

(Savage gets sacked again)

UT:

Yup. Yup.

BFD:

Savage holding on to the ball too long, again. Savage continuing to get snaps is an utter waste of time.

Weston:

lol Savage had 5 seconds to throw that pass and he stands still locked onto the same receiver

Brett:

Tom Savage holding the ball all damn day. Get rid of it, [kitten].

UT:

I’m really trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, but he’s got to give me SOMETHING to hang on to.

Ryan:

I second that Patrick

Vega:

I just got a stream going. My local affiliate put the game on any alternate channel which is not carried by DirecTV. The game is blacked out because I live 200 miles from Jacksonville. I had to set up a VPN to Seattle so I could steam through the Sunday Ticket app. [Kitten] Irma.

Second Quarter

(Tyler Ervin actually catches the ball and returns it for yardage)

Brett:

That was a decent return…the first one we’ve had in a while.

UT (to Vega):

So far, you’re putting more effort into today’s game than the Texans are.

Capt Ron:

Four possessions on offense produced 18 yards so far.

(Tom Savage strip sacked and Jags recover the fumble)

Vega:

I’m tempted to turn off the vpn right now.

Brett:

Please Rick just [kitten]ing pay Duane Brown…

Weston:

[Kitten] everyone who thought they could replace Duane Brown with the awful Lamm.

BFD:

Kendall Lamm doing everything he can to get Duane Brown a new contract.

Capt Ron:

#FireRickSmith

(Rookie Leonard Fournette scores a TD, Jags lead 12-0 after missing the PAT)

Brett:

We’ve always been a second half team under O’Brien…but if Fournette can just keep grinding clock at will I’m not so sure about out ability to get out of this hole…

UT:

And J.J. Watt is going to the locker room with two minutes left in the half.

Swell.

BFD:

It’s now a four field goal deficit for the Texans.

BFD (cont’d):

I’m more concerned about the macro view. It’s clear this offense is the same as it was in 2016, when it was trash. The scheme hasn’t changed, and the offense is still trash. Nothing learned, and Savage is only part of the problem.

Capt Ron:

Hopkins is costing the Texans $1.5 million per game this season. His cost per catch at this point is $1.5 million.

(Tom Savage “fumbles” the ball after throwing it forward)

UT:

THAT’S A FORWARD [KITTENING] PASS!

Weston:

Tom Savage makes me miss Brock Osweiler

Brett:

That’s a pass…

BFD:

That’s a forward pass. Let’s move on to the pick, please.

Luke:

Oh Matt. No It’s not that bad…….yet.

UT:

True. By now [UNPERSON] would’ve been intercepted.

Vega:

Did he just throw fumble? My feed is like 90 seconds behind.

(A pair of pass interference calls against Bouye give the Texans a couple of first downs)

UT:

GLORY TO ALL PASS INTERFERENCE OFFENSE!

Brett:

The refs are doing more for this offense than Savage is today.

Luke:

Yeah XSF is getting eaten alive by Campbell.

(Tom Savage gets strip sacked, fumble recovered for a TD by the Jags. Jags lead 19-0.)

BFD:

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!

UT:

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!

I honestly laughed my [kitten] off on that play.

Brett:

I’m about ready to turn this [kitten]ing game off.

Weston:

[Kitten] I love being alive.

Luke:

*Cackles Manically*

Capt Ron:

Duane Brown just fell off his couch rolling in laughter.

Vega:

You guys remember when O’Brien was supposed to be any offensive genius? Good times.

UT:


SUPER GENIUS

Halftime Reactions

Vega:

I’d like to see O’Brien and Smith rolled out on a wooden cart, and tarred and feathered by Watt and Clowney.

kdentify:

I hope to see that Watt and Cushing return. I hope the defense can remember who and what they are and lock down JAX (I ain’t saying [kitten] about th offense because why’re actually performing the way they do in the first half of games).

MDC:

Savage continuing to be a flaming bag of suck. Run defense looking a little better.

BFD:

I’m shocked by the defensive play, but this is the offense I expect to see all season. Yes, Brown will help, and getting Watson snaps will be an improvement over Savage, but there are still a ton of problems along the line and with the scheme.

So, what changes will we see? I doubt anything aside from possibly seeing Watson’s debut.

Vega:

Aaaand I’m under a tornado warning. Here’s hoping for the tornado.

Capt Ron:

Harvey flood victims: “Things in Houston couldn’t be worse!”

Bill O’Brien: “Hold my beer.”

Seriously. Even news of an inbound ICBM from North Korea couldn’t stimulate this much vitriol and outrage. NRG may literally burn to the ground unless the offense gets things turned around in the second half. And by turned around, I mean Duane Brown and Deshaun Watson leading the team out of the tunnel.

Third Quarter

(Enter Deshaun Watson)

UT:

THEY’RE PUTTING IN WATSON! THEY’RE PUTTING IN WATSON!

Kdentify:

Watson?

Weston

Oh hell yeah

Brett:

OH MY GOD ITS HAPPENING

kdentify:

You can’t rush Watson like you can Savage? Savage is slow AF so WTF should we be expecting?

(Watson’s first official possession as a Houston Texan)

UT:

Completions and [kitten], I almost don’t know what to do with myself.

Vega:

So when was the last time O’Brien went a season without benching a QB for sucking?

UT:

Did he bench Fitzpatrick?

Weston:

I’m pretty sure he did for Mallett at one point.

kdentify:

Cush out with concussion

UT:

Deshaun Watson looks like the platonic ideal of quarterbacks right now.

Looks like Fiedorowicz is getting looked at too.

Capt Ron:

Helmet to helmet hit on C.J.F. By Jack, and no flag. The NFL is not serious about player health.

Vega:

The problem with Savage is that you guys didn’t believe in him enough. Jerks.

UT:

So Tom Savage is Tinkerbell, then?

Luke:

Is Bill O’Brien’s special move to pull his starting QB in the middle of a game to generate yardage?

Capt Ron:

Sloppy as it is, this is at least more entertaining to watch than whatever that was in the first half. I’d also suggest they cut Savage and sign Weeden as the backup; then continue to develop Watson to whatever it brings this season.

(Watson makes the Clemson Connection with Hopkins and scores a touchdown. Jags lead 19-7)

Vega:

This “throw it to Hopkins” thing is something we should have asked our other quarterbacks to do.

Brett:

My stream cut out literally right before the touchdown lol…thanks internet.

Weston:

On the brightside Andre Hal is really hitting and tackling well this game.

Vega:

Look, I know he’s a rookie and there will be plenty of rough times ahead, but we deserve to have a franchise quarterback, right? I mean, I feel like we’ve suffered enough, no?

UT:

I don’t think we’ve gotten to Buffalo/Cleveland levels of suffering, but yes we’ve suffered enough.

Capt Ron:

Texans play Bengals this Thursday–stupid NFL scheduling–and that’s not good news for players in concussion protocol from today’s game.

kdentify:

True but apparently the Red Rifle is playing like Savage so far. Perhaps they’ll be the Bengals we dominate instead of the Bengals that can and do challenge us.

(Jags score a stupid easy touchdown, go up 26-7)

Weston:

I’ve been watching Watt pretty close so far, and he hasn’t shown the same burst off the line of scrimmage at all this game.

Luke:

Jeremy Maclin would be pretty sweet about now.

Capt Ron:

Best tweet of the day goes to Seth Payne:

“Silver lining is that they could end up with the first pick in the third round next year.”

Vega:

So how many times is this for O’Brien being pantsed? I’ve lost count.

Luke:

T.J Watt has a Pick and 2 sacks today against Cleveland.

UT (to Vega):

I’ve got five I can recall off the top of my head.

BFD:

This whole thing with O’Brien and QBs is maddening, and Savage and Watson is yet another example of his [kitten]ery. O’Brien doesn’t have clue.

UT:

Deshaun Watson runs like he knows what he’s doing as opposed to the rest of our quarterbacks who run like animals who have no business attempting such a thing.

Also Jeff Allen is hurt, because we can withstand injuries to the offensive line.

Weston:

Jeff Allen is a hog and the Texans are better off with him never playing another snap for them.

(Watson escapes defenders to get a first down)

UT:

It’s too soon, but I think Watson’s got it.

(Watson immediately gives up a fumble to the Jags on the next play)

UT:

I blame myself for that fumble.

kdentify:

I blame you, too.

Brett:

Are you even allowed to kick the ball to force a fumble? Is that a thing?

Fourth Quarter

Luke:

YES YES, THE ONE TRUE FOOTBALL HAS BEGUN ITS ASSIMILATION OF THE FAKE FOOTBALLS. SOON PASSES WILL BE CONDUCTED BY KICKERS KICKING THE BALL TO THE RECEIVERS.

UT:

Hey they actually got to Bortles for once!

Capt Ron:

Watt isn’t winning 1:1 battles. I’m officially entering a state of depression now.

BFD:

Watt doesn’t look the same at all. Dammit.

Capt Ron:

Can the Texans just forfeit the Bengals game this Thursday and heal up and prep for the Patriots in two weeks instead? They need all the time they can get to fix this mess.

UT:

Here’s the question: what are the odds that BOB gets in front of the cameras and announces after all this that Tom Savage will start on Thursday against Cincinnati?

Because I can see him doing that.

Weston:

I bet Savage ends up starting next week too.

Luke:

YOU KNOW IT!

BFD:

Of course Savage will start next week. BOB has shown little ability to make the right decisions at QB.

Capt Ron:

With all these injured receivers (WRs & TE’s), the Texans might actually have to convince Andre Johnson and Wes Walker to suit up!

UT:

Hell, Billy Miller might get a late night phone call if this keeps up.

Capt Ron:

WR Ellington out with concussion. That’s 4 players now! WTF?!!

BFD:

Lamm gives up another sack to Malik Jackson.

UT:

And there’s our guaranteed penalty against Breno Giacomini. Because [kitten] him.

BFD:

Savage just doesn’t make that throw to Lamar Miller as Watson did for 26 yards. It’s not that he can’t, but he just won’t throw the damn ball.

Capt Ron:

It feels like 2002 all over again. Ugh!

UT:

On the contrary, the Texans won their season opener that year.

Vega:

Thank goodness for beer.

Fire Godsey! Oh… wait.

Capt Ron:

I’ve never been a fan of the home game theme “Liberty Brown.”

kdentify:

When asked about his actions, he’s going to tell us that he’s trying to win the game. And I will refrain from throwing something at my computer in response.

Brett:

That was the worst offensive line performance I’ve ever seen at the NFL level, and I’ve seen some BAD offensive line performances in Houston before.

Post-Game Reactions

Jeremy:

This makes Thursday a must win. Can’t go into New England 0-2.

Luke:

*Projectile Vomit Intensifies*

MDC:

Short week, unsettled QB situation, shaky D, and a terrible O line. What could go wrong?

Whew, thank goodness that’s over with. Now it’s your turn. Join the conversation by adding your comments in the comment section (obviously).

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